Let AgileCat Guide Your Company’s Reopening

By: Peter Madden
Believe it or not, this isn’t about the rocket-fueled Eagles.
It’s about Art. And it’s about me and challenges I’ve been facing the past year. And the reality that I don’t want to talk or write about, but I simply have to. Because it will only make me stronger, of this I am certain.
But first, it would help to know how I arrived at writing this little story.
This past Saturday, my daughter Bianca (12) seemed bored. Easy when it’s 15 degrees out in the middle of Winter, and no Basketball games on the calendar.
“Do you want to paint with me?” she asked. Did I mention she is the cutest human ever and you just don’t say no to her.
Considering her question, my parental mind- in weekend mode – thought of my large to-do list and all I needed to get to. So important! Not really.
“Sure.”
We broke out an acrylic set of paints that my sister Maura gave to us for Christmas (kind of a long story). And before us lay two fabulous canvasses affixed to pine wood. We sat right next to each other at the kitchen counter.
And then we took collective deep breaths. “What do you want to paint?” she asked. Naturally, I thought an Eagles theme would be fun, the day before the big NFC Championship Game and all of that. So away we went.
It started with pencil sketches before we dove into the deep end – with real paint! As anyone who works with me will tell you, I have a deep respect – if not reverence – for graphic design and the creative arts. Lucky to be surrounded by serious magicians on this front every day at the ‘Cat. I’m a writer and a musician – perhaps not a ‘real’ artist in my mind. While we created away, my respect only grew in these moments with her. It felt a little like a tightrope walk. Whether or not anyone would ever see this painting, I wanted it to be “great.” I wanted it to be special. Did I mention I’m a pro at self-imposed pressure and am hyper self-critical? Comes with the territory.
At one point, Bianca stopped painting and looked despondent. She was unsure of how it was coming out and what to do next and how to “fix” something she didn’t like in the shape of the Eagles head logo she did and a couple of her chosen colors. I found myself saying to her, “when you’re doing something creative, the most important thing is to never stop or overthink it. You’re not trying to make it perfect; you’re just expressing how you feel and how you interpret what you see and be confident about it.”
So, we continued. And we listened to music. And we talked about things. And sang.
It was phenomenal. Like floating. Time stood still. It was the most at peace I’ve felt in over a year. Easily. And that is the point of this story.
Over the past year, I have been struggling with anxiety. Extreme. Some days, I have to cancel meetings because it overtakes me and overwhelms me – and I just can’t be in front of people. I didn’t invite this dark resident to my doorstep but sometimes, there he is, ready to make my day Hell with a wave and an “F You,” middle finger included. This specter convinces me that not only am I not enough, but I’m also doing it all wrong. I’m losing. I never fulfilled a pretend promise that never existed. I am not maximizing my talents. I am a fraud, and ultimately, I am a failure. Yes, I know these are all headlines along the lines of “fake news,” but when you are in self-imposed jail, how real they seem.
If you’ve been around me – ever – your jaw may be dropping slightly. Sure, I have a lot of great days where my positivity, energy and gregarious nature are on full display. I’m ironically more relaxed and at ease when in front of a large crowd or doing an interview or presentation. And then there are days I must absolutely fake it, because again – self-imposed pressure to present what I feel is expected of me. The show must go on, but sometimes I have trouble putting this show on. Tap dancing can be exhausting.
Before you think I’m holding one hell of a pity party, understand that I know quite well how good I have it. I have extreme gratitude for every aspect of my life, personally and professionally. I know there are real and devastating health issues, and this ranks pretty damn low among them. Lucky me, truly. Raised by amazing parents, incredible family, siblings, cousins, great friends, colleagues, partners, and more. A fantastic and supportive wife of 20 years and terrific, creative, kind kids. This is what makes the self-beat down that much worse. What the hell do I have to be sad or worried about? Every box is checked. Frustrating – but that is the reality.
Be certain that I know that I am putting this far behind me. Of that, I’m sure. I’ve been in therapy almost weekly for over a year. At first, I thought it was a luxury and that I was being “weak” – which made me feel terrible about it – but upon reflection, it’s a necessity. It is part of my strength and in many ways, I feel like a new – if not evolved – person. Also, living healthier, hot yoga, long walks, meditation, journaling, being open about what I’ve been going through (thank you for your time reading this) and more. I’ve always been adverse to any kind of medicine. I don’t even take Advil, so my Rx for this all has been “all of the above.” These methods – collectively – have been a soothing balm when I’m dealing. And the darker days I referenced are absolutely fading in the rearview mirror as a result. And they’ll continue to fade. And I’ll continue to show up and put the work in. Because that’s what I’ve done to maximum effect this past year.
So, I painted last Saturday. With my amazing daughter Bianca. And it was beautiful. And in light of Sunday’s big win (yes, I was there, in a fur coat, Kelly Green pants, and a big smile, but that’s another story for another day), Saturday was the best part of my weekend.
I reflect on the peace our little art session brought me, and my consideration of figuratively jumping from a cliff to write about this and how this might change your perception of me, as a business leader and a person. But your perception of me is not my job. The reality is that the peace, calmness, and comfort I’m referring to is the root of what makes me the best version of me, the most creative, the best leader, the best partner, the best person, and frankly unstoppable. But the inner peace needs to come first. It always will. I figured that out finally.
Thanks for listening and for understanding how hard this was to write and even harder to share. And if you’ve been there or are there, you have a friend in me who will always listen. And if you have someone you love who might need a lift, perhaps consider sharing this with them. As a friend of mine told me, “Life is a cultivation, not a destination.”
Here’s to your own cultivation. And of course, Go Birds.